I’m a middle child. And my birthday always fell on the first day of school, which means everyone always forgot.

It’s fine.

I just have to try a little harder to grab people’s attention. Like the time I refused to smile for my kindergarten picture. Or when I shoved beads up my nose and went to the emergency room. Or that time I dyed half my head orange. Or when I briefly changed my name to Sarah. Any time I tweet, or text people “help” for no reason. Or when I decided to pursue stand up during a panorama.

All of this to say, writers are paid to get people’s attention. Which means I was born to do this.

What is my ideal work situation, you ask?

I think Fifth Harmony says it best.